A few weeks ago, I had the great privilege of sitting in and observing two facilitators I’m doing some work with. They run a wonderful program called Tuning Into Teens™ which is an evidence-based parenting program designed to help parents and caregivers of adolescents (typically aged 10–18) build emotional intelligence, manage difficult behaviours, and improve family communication.

If you’ve been a subscriber of the Elevate Newsletter for a while or followed my work, you’ll know that emotional intelligence underpins what I do. In fact, one of my beta readers for The Connect Effect (cheeky plug for my book) said, “This is essentially emotional intelligence.”

I’ve always believed there are strong correlations between parenting and leadership, and sitting in that room as both a mum of 18-year-old sons and someone who is passionate about leadership, the takeaways were coming thick and fast.

One of those takeaways was this line “when teenagers are behaving in a way you don’t want, you have to connect before you correct.”

And let me tell you, I loved it because this principle doesn’t just apply to teenagers, it applies to every relationship, every team, every workplace conversation where something has gone a little sideways.

I don’t know about you, but I find that when most of us are fed up or annoyed with someone’s behaviour, or we don’t have the capacity to deal with their emotions, we can be quick to pull them up and jump straight to fixing and moving on.

But what I’ve come to learn in my many years of leading, coaching and facilitating, and was definitely reminded of in the workshop last week, is that if you don’t connect first – empathising with thoughts, feelings, experience and emotions, that nothing really changes. In fact, neuroscience tells us that when someone is in a heightened emotional state, the brain literally cannot process new information or think rationally.

And beyond these difficult moments, when we don’t connect first, the people in our lives, our team members, leaders, peers, kids, whoever we are interacting with, will become less open, less engaged and less connected to us because they won’t feel seen, heard or understood.

So, what are four things you can do to connect before you correct?

1. Acknowledge and validate the emotion behind the behaviour. When someone is behaving in a way you don’t want, look underneath it. Acknowledge the frustration, the feeling, whatever is sitting beneath the surface. This will not only help calm the other person’s nervous system, it will tell them: I see you. I get you

2. Ask, don’t tell. Once things have settled or the moment is right, ask questions. What do you need from me? How can I help here? What might a way forward look like for you? Letting someone find their own answers is far more powerful than handing them yours.

3. Recognise the shift when it happens. When you see change, name it. Recognise it. Reinforce it.

4. Model the behaviours you want to see shift yourself. Unresourceful behaviours and poor attitudes rarely change, when you are told what to do. They shift when we model what we want to see.

Next time someone in your life is behaving in a way you don’t love, maybe take a breath, find a way to connect, and then, if required, correct.

I trust this has got you thinking and has been helpful in some way, shape or form.

Until next week, be well and lead well.

Kylie