Whether you are a new leader, a frontline leader, an Executive leader or someone that influences others, there will be moments where you will feel the inclination to be nice when the braver, better choice is to be kind.

I’ve experienced it myself and I see leaders doing it all the time.

Over the past few months I’ve been working with leaders across executive, senior, middle and frontline levels on giving feedback and having those tougher conversations – the ones that help people level up and shift a culture towards growth, performance and real effectiveness.

And without fail, in every single workshop and group, someone will say some version of the same thing: “I just hate making people feel uncomfortable.”

Which is usually my cue to talk about the difference between being nice and being kind.

Nice and kind are not the same thing. Nice prioritises comfort – usually your own. It’s the softened feedback, the avoided conversation, the issue left to slide because the moment felt too hard. Kind prioritises growth – the honest conversation, the feedback that needs to be said, the truth delivered with the intent to improve things. It’s easy to default to nice because it feels virtuous in the moment. But it does quiet damage over time. Your team members might like you personally but quietly lose respect for your leadership. Real kindness sometimes requires the uncomfortable conversation – and the courage to have it.

Your people deserve the truth. But sometimes you think that holding back is kind – that you’re being supportive, creating a space where your team members feel psychologically safe. You’re not. Real safety comes from knowing someone will be straight with you, that they’ll have the awkward conversation rather than avoid it.

When you avoid those conversations – or worse, step in and fix things rather than address them directly – you rob your team members of the chance to grow and learn.

The cost of niceness is rarely paid by you. It’s usually paid by your team members.

So how do you shift from nice to kind in practice?

I like to suggest starting with the “3 Separates”:

1. Separate the relationship from the message – the stronger your relationship, the more it can hold. But whether the relationship is strong or still developing, your role as a leader is the same: to care enough to be honest.

Before you go into a conversation, remind yourself which hat you’re wearing. You can be someone’s colleague, peer or even friend, but during the conversation, you’re their leader. Those aren’t in conflict. In fact, leading well is one of the most respectful things you can do for the relationship.

2. Separate your discomfort from their need – your awkwardness about having the conversation is yours to manage, not a reason to stay silent.

Ask yourself honestly – if I don’t have this conversation, what’s the cost to them? And what’s the cost to me? Avoided conversations don’t just disappear – they turn into quiet resentment that eventually erodes the relationship.

3. Separate the reaction from the outcome – someone can be upset in the moment and still benefit enormously from what you said. Their immediate response is not the measure of whether you did the right thing.

Agree a follow up with your team member before you leave the conversation – “let’s check in on this in a couple of days or weeks, whatever feels appropriate.” It moves both of you forward and stops the reaction from being the last word.

A lecturer in my coaching studies once shared that NICE stands for Nothing In Me Cares Enough. While I’m sure you’d agree it pulls no punches, it’s pretty accurate, and a good way to remind yourself to choose kind over nice.

Being kind takes courage, compassion, curiosity and commitment – and my guess is you already have most of these. You just need to trust them.

So, to round out this week, I am wondering where have you been nice this week when you needed to be kind?

I trust this has got you thinking and has been helpful in some way, shape or form.

Until next week, be well and lead well.

Kylie