If you are a leader or someone in a position of influence, I imagine you notice patterns—certain scenarios or challenges that seem to play out time and time again.

It might be certain behaviours that you witness or habits that people apply or sometimes avoid.

When I am facilitating sessions on Difficult Conversations or Coaching Conversations, I regularly observe three things:

1. Most people understand the value of asking good questions and listening—but find it hard to do well.
2. 90% of people don’t love sitting in silence or ambiguity during a conversation and like to fill the void by jumping in with suggestions and solutions when they are not always appropriate or applicable.
3. Many people don’t know about the importance of validation in conversations, or they avoid it because they fear that acknowledging someone’s feelings means endorsing and unwanted perspective or behaviour.

And this week, I want to unpack that last one—validation—because it’s an important fundamental to good quality conversations, but as mentioned above, one that is often dismissed or not given the attention it deserves.

Validation in simple terms is acknowledging someone’s perspective or experience and is super valuable in conversations because it lets others know you:

• Hear them
• See them
• Get them

In conversations where you are wanting to influence someone to get on board with something, or you are trying to understand a problem, behaviour or challenge, or just trying to show some respect and kindness during a conversation, validation is the key!

And it’s the key because it opens the door for deeper understanding, mutual respect and engagement during a conversation.

Yet many of us avoid using it as a technique in conversations and here are the Top 6 Reasons why we do:

1. We Are Too Task-Focused – We prioritise results over people and see validation as unnecessary or slowing things down.
2. We Fear Reinforcing the Wrong Behaviour – We’re concerned that acknowledging someone’s feelings might reinforce unhelpful or negative behaviour.
3. We Lack Awareness – We don’t always realise the impact validation can have or how much a lack of acknowledgment affects others.
4. We Are Uncomfortable with Emotions – We avoid emotional conversations because they feel awkward, uncomfortable, or too personal.
5. We Struggle to Weave It In Naturally – It feels challenging to integrate validation into conversations when it doesn’t come naturally.
6. We Believe Validation Means Agreement – We assume that in tough conversations or when overcoming resistance, validating someone’s perspective means we agree with them.

I’d love to expand on the last reason and share with you the differences that support the idea that validation is not agreement.

I find the best way to do this in workshops is to explore what both validation and agreement sound like, and I think it will be helpful to do it the same way here.

Validation in a conversation sounds like…

• “I can see why that feels frustrating for you.”
• “That sounds like a tough situation.”
• “It makes sense that you’d feel that way given what you’ve experienced.”
• “I get that this is really important to you.”
• “I can appreciate why you’d see it that way.”

Agreement in a conversation sounds like….

• “You’re absolutely right, this situation is unfair.”
• “I completely agree.”
• “Yeah, I’d be upset too. They shouldn’t have done that.”
• “You’re right—they’re totally in the wrong.”
• “I feel the same way about this.”

Validation is seriously under-utilised and misunderstood in conversations and I hope this week’s blog has given you a clearer understanding of what it is and what it can do to help you connect and lead others with greater impact.

And if you were already familiar with the concept of validation and use it in your conversations, I hope it’s reminded you of how awesome you are and the difference you are likely making to the people you lead.

Until next week, be well and lead well

Kylie