Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought, I know exactly what you mean?

A few weeks ago, I was coaching a leader who told me she was worried her job wasn’t safe.

When I asked her what made her think that, she replied, “My leader keeps cancelling our one-on-one conversations.”

And I could relate.

Many years ago, I found myself thinking exactly the same thing. I was relatively new to a leadership role and wasn’t sure whether I was doing a good job. My leader gave me very little feedback and regularly cancelled our one-on-one meetings.

I started asking myself questions. Had I done something wrong? Were they unhappy with my performance? Was I the wrong person for the role?

It turned out none of those things were true. My leader wasn’t unhappy with my performance, nor did they think I was the wrong person for the role.

The reality was much less dramatic. They were busy, stretched and not prioritising our one-on-one conversations.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know that at the time. So, I did what many of us do when information is missing – I filled the gap myself.

The longer I’ve worked with leaders and teams, the more I’ve realised this is a very human response. When information is missing, we rarely leave the space empty. We create a story to make sense of it.

We often construct meaning from silence in the direction of our deepest insecurities.

When you, I, or anyone in a position of influence leaves a gap in communication, those around us will often fill the silence with assumptions.

I call this the Story Gap – the space between what you intended and what someone else assumes when information is missing.

And nowhere does the Story Gap open more or cost more, than when a leader cancels a one-on-one.

The Cost of a Cancelled One-on-One

One-on-ones as you likely know, are about much more than project updates and task lists. They are one of the primary ways you build trust, provide clarity, offer support and show your team members that they matter. When those conversations repeatedly disappear from the calendar, a gap is created. And when information is missing, the people on the other side of it naturally fill the space with their own explanations.

While you may be thinking:

“I’m just busy.” “I’ll catch up with them next week.” “Nothing urgent is happening.”

Your team members may be thinking:

“Am I doing okay?” “Am I a priority?” “Have I done something wrong?” “Does my leader care?”

The meeting may have been cancelled for practical reasons, but the message received can be very different from the message intended.

First, there is a relational cost. Trust isn’t just built through consistency. It’s built through understanding and care. When one-on-ones are repeatedly cancelled, trust starts to erode quietly and your team members may begin to wonder whether they matter to you at all.

When your team members stop feeling seen, understood and cared for, it’s only a matter of time before their engagement follows. In fact, research backs this up. Gallup found that employees who don’t have regular one-on-one conversations with their leader are significantly less likely to be engaged. But when those conversations do happen consistently, employees are almost 3 x more likely to be engaged.

There is also a cost to you as a leader. You lose visibility of what is really happening. Small issues stay hidden longer and you often miss warning signs. Coaching and development moments are missed and your opportunity to create accountability and support isn’t as strong.

And let’s not forget the flow on effect to the business too. Productivity, revenue, retention, the customers you serve and the impact you want to make.

The meeting itself may only take 30 minutes. The consequences can last much longer.

So, what can you do about it?

The good news is that closing the Story Gap doesn’t require you to reinvent yourself as a leader. It requires three simple things.

1. Protect the rhythm. Stuff happens and meetings occasionally need to move. The key is to reschedule, not abandon. Book your one-on-ones a full quarter ahead, treat them as you would a client commitment, and have a backup slot pre-agreed so that moving one doesn’t mean losing one.
2. Make it meaningful. Don’t spend the entire conversation reviewing tasks and deadlines. Use the time to understand what’s hard, discuss development, offer support and strengthen the relationship. Ask “what’s on your mind?” before you ask “what’s the update?” The best 30 minutes you spend each week might be this one.
3. Say what isn’t being said. If you need to reschedule, say why. Something as simple as “I’m moving this because of a deadline, not because you’re not a priority” takes ten seconds and closes the Story Gap before it opens. Your team members just want context and to know they are still a priority.

The real cost of cancelling a one-on-one isn’t the 30 or 60 minutes you save. It’s the story that gets written in its place.

Before you head into next week, here are two questions that might be worth asking yourself or the leaders in your world:

1. How intentional have you been about your one-on-ones in the last month?
2. And when you do show up, are you showing up for the meeting, or for your team member?

The leaders who build the most loyal, engaged and high-performing teams are the ones who make their people feel seen, supported and like they genuinely matter.

Until next week, be well and lead well.

Kylie

PS – The Connect Effect is now available worldwide. If you would like to grab a copy for yourself or a leader in your world, click on this link(opens in new tab) or head to your preferred book retailer.