Disappointment. It’s a constant in life and especially in leadership.

Disappointment, as you know, is when an expectation hasn’t been met. When we’ve expected something of ourselves or something of someone else and it hasn’t quite hit the mark.

It’s that sinking feeling in your heart and gut. It’s that slap to the face. It’s that tension in your jaw and tightness in your throat urging you to cry or scream.

It’s both an emotion and a feeling, usually built on top of frustration or sadness. And it’s more common than most of us realise. Researchers Ulrich Schimmack of the University of Toronto and Ed Diener of the University of Illinois found that disappointment is one of the three most frequently experienced negative emotions we feel as human beings, and yet it’s one of the least talked about.

Disappointments 3 Directions

When disappointment occurs, it typically heads in three directions. Outward, inward, or a combination of both.

1. Outward – When disappointment heads outward we usually find someone to blame. A team member, a circumstance, a decision that was made. It feels easier in the moment because it protects us from having to look at ourselves and our likely contribution. But left unchecked it can turn into resentment, erode trust, and damage relationships that matter.
2. Inward – When disappointment heads inward we turn it on ourselves. The replay starts. “What could I have done differently, why didn’t I see that coming, I should have known better.” This is where regret lives. And if we’re not careful, regret slides into shame, and shame can spiral into worthlessness and sometimes depression.
3. Combination of both – When disappointment is blended when we’re blaming outward and beating ourselves up at the same time, we usually amplify culpability and double down on regret and embarrassment. The two directions (Outward and Inward) tend to feed off each other, which can make it both exhausting and intense for you and everyone around you.

Understanding this matters

It’s important to understand these three directions because if you are not aware, you can’t catch what route you’re heading down. Left unchecked, you’ll likely be thrown off course completely. Your confidence and judgement usually becomes clouded, making it difficult to navigate your way through quickly and effectively. It also matters to your leadership because if you are not able to pinpoint how you’re responding, you might damage relationships, the culture you are wanting to create and the leadership you are wanting to model.

Awareness is always the first step. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, says that simply naming what you’re feeling gives you just enough distance to respond rather than react. The second step is finding helpful strategies to work your way through.

So what are some helpful strategies?

Once you have some awareness, I think the best thing you can do is give yourself space. Retreat somewhere quiet and write it out. Connect with someone you trust who will hold space for you so you can talk it through.

And once you’ve done that, start moving. Get proactive. Find some healthy strategies to engage with and begin taking action on what you’ve learnt. Find new ways to solve what caused the disappointment in the first place. Engage in curious conversations and get some help to work your way through it.

When you do this, you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start showing up as a victor, someone with the agency and ability to make a real difference and impact.

I trust this blog has got you thinking and has been helpful in some way, shape or form.

Until next week, be well and lead well.

Kylie