ast week I caught up with an old friend who told me she wasn’t looking forward to the Easter break with her extended family. Not because she doesn’t love them, but because she knew what would likely happen when she spends a few days with them at their family beach house.

She is the eldest in her family and has two younger siblings. Whether it’s Easter, Christmas or a birthday, somewhere amongst the drinking, plates and platters of food, they end up arguing. The conflict never gets too heated but uncomfortable enough for everyone in the room, which inevitably leads to my friend stepping in to sort out her brothers.

Whenever I suggest that she just lets them go and sort it out themselves, she tells me she can’t – that she feels like she needs to deal with it so it doesn’t ruin everyone else’s experience.

And while this is very noble of her, you and I both know it’s really not hers to sort out.

What my friend is doing, and what many of us do, is taking over-responsibility for others. Over-responsibility, if you’re not familiar with it, or if you are, you’ll know, is the habit of taking ownership of problems, feelings, or outcomes that aren’t yours to carry.

Personally it can look like:

• Stepping in to resolve conflict between others because the tension feels unbearable to you
• Taking responsibility for how other people feel, and adjusting yourself to manage it
• Finding it almost impossible to say no, because you feel responsible for the outcome if you do

As a leader or someone in a position of influence it can look like:

• Solving problems your team should be solving, because it’s faster or easier than waiting
• Carrying the weight of your team’s performance, morale, or results as if it’s yours alone
• Over-supporting or over-checking, which unintentionally reduces ownership in others

Whenever you are taking over-responsibility, it means someone else is taking under-responsibility.

And when someone is taking under-responsibility – leaving things for you to handle, avoiding the difficult stuff, and letting you carry what should be theirs – it’s exhausting. It’s also one of the fastest roads to burnout. It is also a big contributor to the very things that frustrate you about your team members – the lack of ownership, initiative and accountability.

When we take over, we rob others of the chance to figure it out. To feel the discomfort of a problem and find their own way through it. To grow. Every time you step in, you’re quietly sending the message: I don’t trust you to handle this. Of course, this is not your intent, but that is often how it lands.

So how do you step back and find your way to responsibility rather than over-responsibility?

Here are three things to consider:

1. Notice the urge before you act on it. The pull to step in is often instant and automatic. Before you do, pause and ask yourself -“is this actually mine to fix?” That moment of awareness alone can be a game-changer.
2. Get comfortable with the discomfort. When you hold back, things might feel messy or unresolved for a while. That discomfort is not a sign that you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s often a sign that you’re doing the right thing. Sit with it. Surrender to it.
3. Trust others with the struggle. Growth rarely happens in the smooth moments. When you allow others to work through difficulty, you’re not being unhelpful, you’re showing them you believe they’re capable. That’s one of the greatest things a leader, a friend or family member can do.

When you take a step back and place yourself on the sidelines, it will eventually be a win for you and for them.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing at all.

I trust this has got you thinking and has been helpful in some way, shape or form.

Until next week, be well and lead well.

Kylie